My Big Sister Suddenly Wants to Be Close. I Refuse After What She Did to Me. (2024)

Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. Have a question about kids, parenting, or family life?Submit it here!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My older sister was pretty awful to me growing up, and I couldn’t wait to get away from her. My parents say our fights were “typical sister drama.”

But I had to go to therapy to work through a lot of trauma because she was prone to unpredictable fits of rage and violence throughout her childhood and well into her adult life. (Example: My sister was upset she lost her honor roll pin in the grass, so she smacked me across the face with a plastic bat and knocked out two teeth.) The last time she hit me, she was in her 40s.

Despite her insisting we’re closer than we are, I’ve never wanted anything to do with my sister beyond perfunctory phone calls. She calls me (I never call her) regularly, but I only pick up every fourth or fifth time and with a prepared excuse to leave. She very much wants to paper over the past as if her violent bullying was all in good fun. She has no clue (or acts like it) that I keep her at arm’s length.

My sister got married recently, and I don’t care. But now she’s pushing for more closeness, I suspect, because his family resembles a Normal Rockwell painting and my refusal to participate as more than a wedding guest was obvious. What’s different this time is that my sister wants us to go to counseling to “work through our past and move forward together.” I’ve never wanted to “move forward” with her, and she never asked me if that’s what I wanted. I’m sure I was a horrible little sister, like she said, but I never deserved her verbal and physical abuse.

Saying no results in the typical yelling and bullying to do what my sister wants. But this time, she wants an answer, and I don’t know how to say, “No thanks, and the next time we see each other will be at one of our parent’s funerals.” I’m aware of how bad it looks for me to reject counseling in a climate that’s so desperate to normalize therapy and use it as a cure for conflicts. There’s nothing lost by estranging her.What do I do?

—Sisterly Abuse

Dear Sisterly,

You do not have to make yourself uncomfortable to ease someone else’s discomfort. Put another way, other people’s comfort is not more important than yours. So, I don’t think you need to go to family therapy—especially because therapy only works when both people give it an honest effort, anyway—but I do think you can give your sister a clear and firm answer as to why you won’t. A lot of what you wrote here is fair game to share with her. Explain that while you appreciate that she wants to work out your differences and history, it is too little too late. You’ve already spent a lot of time and energy on your own therapy to process your past, and while you wish her well, maintaining a relationship (beyond whatever level of interaction you want) is just not something you are able to do. I know it might be difficult to have this straightforward of a conversation, but it’s the shortest route to a resolution, which, to me, sounds better than months of dodging calls and evasive conversation.

You need to be prepared for her to have a large reaction, and she might try to involve your parents or other family members. Resist the urge to pull them into the drama—no good can come of that kind of “she said, she said” tug of war. The same verbiage you use with her can be shared with those ostensibly well-meaning folks, followed by a remark that the situation is between you and your sister and not up for debate.

Once that is done, maintain cordiality and take the high ground. Treat her with respect at family gatherings but do not feel you have to go out of your way to explain yourself or make amends. You cannot control other people’s reactions; you can only control your own actions. If you act with respect, you can hold your head high no matter how she responds.

—Allison

More Advice From Slate

We have a very smart, creative 13-year-old daughter. She is on the honor roll and participates in dance, marching and concert band, and other extracurricular activities. I recently read the texts between her and her first boyfriend—something she knows I do—and was surprised.